im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
