I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
