didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Randomize
