I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
