my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
if i died would you start the facebook group?
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Randomize
