clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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