I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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