I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
