she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
