I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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