So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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