Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
