It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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