she woke up with a sticky ear
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
