I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
