Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
