just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Randomize
