i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
