I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
