Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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