Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
