I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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