According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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