closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Randomize
