Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
