just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
