my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
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