I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
