How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
