His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Boobs are out for the taking
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
