Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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