You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
