I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
