I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
