Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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