the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
