You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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