I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
