I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
