The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
