I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
