a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
