I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
