I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
