my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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