does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
