Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
