Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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