I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
