Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
